"Forgive and forget" is a term often used over and over again in our society. When someone harms you it is said that you should forgive them, forget about it, and move on. However, I disagree with that statement.
Forgiveness is letting go of your grudges and harboring bitterness. For me this is especially hard to do, but I have done it, and feel that it is very important with maintaining a persons own personal sanity...
Forgetting it on the other hand... Now that is just opening the door to letting someone hurt you again!
A healthy friendship is one of the most difficult relationships to maintain. At least with family holidays and family gatherings force you to associate with them, and possibly even reconcile with them... but when a friend harms you, reconciliation is a choice you have to make on your own. That's why many times friendships can sometimes be stronger relationships than those with family... if you're willing to put forth the effort... So how does someone forgive?
Well... start by simply acknowledging the hurt, your hurt. Next, express these emotions in a non-violent and non-hurtful way. This is where I tend to mess up. I most recently had an issue with a dear friend and I was so adamant of making sure she knew how much she hurt me that I ended up turning her into the victim. What I should have done was calmly expressed it one time "You pretty much made me feel like crap; please don't do it again!" and let that marinate...
Next you try and understand the other persons point of view to try and come at this with some compassion rather than all anger. You might be thinking "they wronged ME! I don't want to have compassion for how they wronged ME!" It's easy to think this way! I know I do all the time... but you can't do that! That's where grudges come from, and you really never know the other persons side. For me and my most recent situation, my friend never meant to hurt me; she never does! Most times friends don't and usually their wrong actions come from hurts in their own life. It doesn't make their actions right, nor does it justify them, but putting on their shoes for a minute to better understand them and have some compassion is a big step in forgiveness!
Once you do this you might then start to feel bad for getting upset at them. It's understandable. Once I do this I always then feel like an awful friend... as I do now and why I'm writing out this blog! But you are not an awful friend! I'm not an awful friend either... we are all just simple human beings, who all have hurts from past, present issues and future dwellings we are trying to deal with. Just as you had to understand and have compassion for your friends actions, you have to have understanding and compassion for yourself too! Forgive yourself... "But what if they don't forgive me??"... Well... that's their problem!
Now this is where the not forgetting it part comes in... Once you've done all that you have to decide weather or not to keep the relationship. Now that you have an understanding of why the person did what they did you have to decide "Will they do this again, and can I handle it if they do?" Breaking up with a friend isn't as different as breaking up with a boyfriend/girlfriend as you'd think. If the friendship isn't a healthy one and can't be made into one then you may have to choose to let them go. At the same time, sometimes we love and care about people so much, that we are willing to put up with their issues in order to keep them around...
Lastly you have to let this person know you forgive them for what they did and ask their forgiveness for the way you reacted. Once that's done... you move on... but you don't forget...
Forgiveness is letting go of your grudges and harboring bitterness. For me this is especially hard to do, but I have done it, and feel that it is very important with maintaining a persons own personal sanity...
Forgetting it on the other hand... Now that is just opening the door to letting someone hurt you again!
A healthy friendship is one of the most difficult relationships to maintain. At least with family holidays and family gatherings force you to associate with them, and possibly even reconcile with them... but when a friend harms you, reconciliation is a choice you have to make on your own. That's why many times friendships can sometimes be stronger relationships than those with family... if you're willing to put forth the effort... So how does someone forgive?
Well... start by simply acknowledging the hurt, your hurt. Next, express these emotions in a non-violent and non-hurtful way. This is where I tend to mess up. I most recently had an issue with a dear friend and I was so adamant of making sure she knew how much she hurt me that I ended up turning her into the victim. What I should have done was calmly expressed it one time "You pretty much made me feel like crap; please don't do it again!" and let that marinate...
Next you try and understand the other persons point of view to try and come at this with some compassion rather than all anger. You might be thinking "they wronged ME! I don't want to have compassion for how they wronged ME!" It's easy to think this way! I know I do all the time... but you can't do that! That's where grudges come from, and you really never know the other persons side. For me and my most recent situation, my friend never meant to hurt me; she never does! Most times friends don't and usually their wrong actions come from hurts in their own life. It doesn't make their actions right, nor does it justify them, but putting on their shoes for a minute to better understand them and have some compassion is a big step in forgiveness!
Once you do this you might then start to feel bad for getting upset at them. It's understandable. Once I do this I always then feel like an awful friend... as I do now and why I'm writing out this blog! But you are not an awful friend! I'm not an awful friend either... we are all just simple human beings, who all have hurts from past, present issues and future dwellings we are trying to deal with. Just as you had to understand and have compassion for your friends actions, you have to have understanding and compassion for yourself too! Forgive yourself... "But what if they don't forgive me??"... Well... that's their problem!
Now this is where the not forgetting it part comes in... Once you've done all that you have to decide weather or not to keep the relationship. Now that you have an understanding of why the person did what they did you have to decide "Will they do this again, and can I handle it if they do?" Breaking up with a friend isn't as different as breaking up with a boyfriend/girlfriend as you'd think. If the friendship isn't a healthy one and can't be made into one then you may have to choose to let them go. At the same time, sometimes we love and care about people so much, that we are willing to put up with their issues in order to keep them around...
Lastly you have to let this person know you forgive them for what they did and ask their forgiveness for the way you reacted. Once that's done... you move on... but you don't forget...
